There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
