I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
