I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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