Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
