Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
