So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
