I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
