I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Found your dick twin last night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize