i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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