im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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