and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
