Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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