Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
