paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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