It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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