i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You pole danced in your parka.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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