took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
