Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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