i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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