atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
