if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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