Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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