I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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