Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
