its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
