I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
