Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
