The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
