My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
