i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
