My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
