Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
