I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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