she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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