I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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