you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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