NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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