Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
