I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
