every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
