Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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