i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
