I accidentally had phone sex last night
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Btw I puked in your glovebox
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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