I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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