I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize