Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
