Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize