Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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