Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
