its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
