Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
