Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
