I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
