I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
