Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
