The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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