Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, beer. Big fan.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
