Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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