God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize