He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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