I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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