i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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