You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
