Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
