The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
