I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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